What You Can and Can’t Control in Baby Sleep: Gentle Tips for Calmer Nights
Because sleep gets easier when you stop trying to control everything, and start focusing on what actually helps.
When baby sleep feels messy, most parents try harder to control it
You adjust the naps. Tweak the wake windows. Rethink the routine.
And when that doesn’t work? You try again. And again.
It’s exhausting - not just physically, but emotionally. Because it starts to feel like you’re failing. Like if you could just get it right, your baby would sleep better.
But here’s the truth that rarely gets said:
You’re not doing it wrong - you’re trying to control things no one can fully control.
Baby sleep is influenced by so many factors: temperament, development, emotions, and environmental changes. Some of these are within your influence. Some aren’t.
And the more energy you spend trying to manage what’s outside your control, the harder it all feels.
What “control” really means in baby sleep
Let’s be clear - we’re not talking about controlling your child.
Gentle baby sleep support is never about that.
Instead, it’s about focusing on what’s within your reach, and letting go of what’s not - so you can feel more calm, confident, and less burnt out.
What’s outside your control and not your fault
One of the most exhausting parts of parenting is feeling like you're supposed to have control over things that are actually… just part of being human.
Let’s take a closer look at a few of the big ones:
Temperament
Every baby comes into the world with their own temperament - it’s part of who they are.
Some are naturally more easygoing and adaptable. Others are persistent, sensitive, intense, or strong-willed. These traits can have a big impact on sleep: a more sensitive baby might take longer to wind down, be easily disturbed, or need more support settling. A highly alert toddler might resist naps or take longer to transition from busy play to quiet rest.
But here’s the thing no one tells you when you’re in the thick of it:
These traits that feel hard now? They’re going to serve your child later.
The baby who is fiercely attached will grow into a child with deep empathy and loyalty.
The toddler who pushes back and questions everything? A future problem-solver who doesn’t follow the crowd.
The little one who is demanding, persistent, and full of energy? That’s determination. That’s drive.
Yes - it’s intense when they’re small.
Yes - it makes sleep more challenging.
But none of it means you’re doing anything wrong.
Your child isn’t difficult - they’re developing. And your job isn’t to control their temperament. It’s to support them through it, while looking after yourself in the process.
Developmental changes
Sleep isn’t just about tiredness - it’s closely tied to what’s happening in your child’s brain and body.
When babies and toddlers are learning something new, their sleep often becomes lighter, shorter, or more fragmented. This can happen during big physical leaps, like learning to roll, crawl, walk, or climb. It can also show up during mental leaps - like beginning to talk, understanding cause and effect, or becoming more aware of separation.
Take object permanence, for example.
Once your baby realises you still exist when you leave the room, bedtime can suddenly feel much harder. You haven’t changed anything, but their awareness has.
Separation anxiety is another common one.
Just as your child starts to explore more during the day, their drive to stay close often intensifies at night. Wanting you near isn't a sleep problem - it's an attachment need rising to the surface.
Milestones, like starting nursery or beginning to wean, can stir up extra emotions that spill into sleep. Add in common disruptions like teething or illness, and it’s no wonder sleep can feel unpredictable.
These changes don’t mean something’s gone wrong.
They mean your child is growing, and that growth sometimes shows up in the middle of the night.
The key is to zoom out. You don’t need to fix every wake-up. Often, simply recognising the underlying cause helps you respond with more compassion and less pressure.
Big emotions and nervous system regulation
Babies and toddlers feel things deeply, and they don’t yet have the skills to manage those feelings on their own.
They rely on you to help them calm their bodies and process their experiences. That’s why your calm matters even more than your routine.
A toddler who’s bouncing off the walls at bedtime isn’t necessarily “not tired.” They may be overstimulated from a busy day, or still processing something that felt overwhelming. A baby who takes a long time to settle might not be resisting sleep - they might just be struggling to shift gears.
This is where co-regulation comes in.
Your presence, your voice, your rhythm - these are the tools your child borrows to settle. And when your nervous system is dysregulated too (because you're touched out, exhausted, or overstretched), it’s harder for both of you.
Supporting emotional regulation might look like:
Slowing the pace of the bedtime routine
Offering movement play before wind-down to release energy
Building in extra connection time after a busy day
Using sensory input like rocking, white noise, or deep pressure, like massage and firm cuddles.
When bedtime becomes less about “getting them to sleep” and more about helping them feel safe enough to let go, everything changes.
You’re not spoiling them by offering comfort. You’re showing them - slowly, gently - how to regulate.
They don’t need control.
They need you - calm, present, and tuned in.
If you missed last week’s blog, Why Curiosity Is the Secret Ingredient to Better Baby Sleep, it’s a gentle reminder that sometimes the most helpful question isn’t “What’s wrong with their sleep?” - it’s “What’s going on underneath?”
What’s within your control and where gentle tweaks help
While there’s a lot you can’t control, there are things you can shape that genuinely support better sleep - without pressure, rigid rules, or sleep training.
Let’s look at a few of the most powerful areas:
Sleep pressure
This is your child’s natural build-up of tiredness across the day. If naps are too long or too close to bedtime, or if your little one hasn’t had enough movement or stimulation, they might not be ready to sleep. You can gently support this by:
Adding more physical activity or outdoor time during the day
Spacing out naps (especially the last wake window)
Capping late naps if bedtime is getting tricky
Offering a consistent wake-up time to anchor their circadian rhythm
The sleep environment
Sleep is easier when the environment feels safe and predictable. You can create this through:
Dimming lights in the hour or two before bedtime
Keeping the wind-down routine calm, familiar, and in the same order each night
Offering sensory input that helps their body settle (rocking, bath, firm cuddle, soft music)
Ensuring the room is comfortable in terms of light, noise, and temperature
Predictable rhythm (not rigid schedule)
You don’t need a strict, minute-by-minute routine. Babies and toddlers aren’t robots, and real life rarely follows a perfect schedule. But having a gentle rhythm to your day - one that flows in a familiar, predictable way - can make a huge difference to how your child sleeps and settles.
Think of rhythm as your baby’s internal anchor. When they know what to expect next, their nervous system can start to relax. Their body clock learns the pattern: when we wake up, we eat… then we play… then we rest. That rhythm helps support more restful naps, easier transitions, and calmer evenings.
For babies and toddlers who are on solids, that might include:
A consistent morning wake-up time (even if nights have been broken)
Mealtimes that happen at roughly the same times each day
Naps that generally fall within similar windows
A bedtime routine that follows the same steps each evening
This isn’t about clock-watching - it’s about creating familiarity.
If your little one is still exclusively breastfed or formula-fed, this won’t apply in quite the same way. Milk feeds are best offered responsively - not to fit a schedule, but in tune with your baby’s hunger cues. In those early months, the rhythm comes more from connection than from timing.
Whether your baby is on solids or not, a predictable rhythm isn’t about getting it perfect.
It’s about creating a sense of flow to the day - one that your child can begin to rely on.
Because predictability builds trust. And trust supports rest.
Boundaries with responsiveness
Boundaries are not the same as strict rules. A loving boundary might be:
Keeping a regular bedtime even when they protest
Saying “I’ll lie next to you, but it’s sleep time now”
Offering choices that support regulation (e.g. “one more book, then it’s time for sleep”)
These boundaries help toddlers feel safe and contained. You’re not being harsh - you’re being clear and loving.
Your own mindset
This is perhaps the most overlooked, but most powerful area you can influence. Your calm matters more than your consistency. When you drop the pressure to get it all right and instead focus on staying responsive, everything softens.
Instead of, “How do I stop this from happening again?”
You can ask, “What did I notice?”
Instead of, “Why won’t they settle?”
You might try, “What support do they need from me right now?”
That shift makes all the difference - not just to sleep, but to how you feel about parenting, too.
If you find yourself second-guessing every sleep decision or wondering if you're getting it all wrong, you might find it helpful to revisit the first blog in this series: How to Build Confidence in Your Baby Sleep Decisions. It’s all about tuning out the noise and trusting that you do know what your baby needs.
You can’t control it all and that’s okay
When you stop trying to control your child’s sleep perfectly, and start gently shaping the things that do make a difference, you reclaim a sense of calm.
You’re not failing because your baby wakes in the night.
You’re not behind because they need more help to settle.
You’re responding. And that matters more than anything.
Coming next week: C is for Change
We’ll explore why sleep is always evolving, and how to make gentle changes that feel manageable (even if everything feels upside down).
Need more support that focuses on calm, connection, and realistic change - not rigid routines or cry-it-out?
Download The Gentle Sleep Recipe
Or explore my 1:1 sleep support options here
