The One Truth About Baby Sleep That No One Tells You
There’s one belief about baby sleep that’s so deeply ingrained in parenting culture, we rarely question it: that babies need to be taught how to sleep.
But what I’ve learned after years of supporting families is that sleep isn’t a skill your baby has to be taught. And honestly, I’d question whether it’s something that can be taught in the first place.
Everywhere you turn - books, blogs, family WhatsApp chats, well-meaning friends - the message is loud and clear: you need to teach your baby to sleep, or they’ll never do it “properly”.
Sleep itself is biological. All humans sleep. While the ability to sleep is innate, the experience of falling asleep is shaped by a child’s nervous system, their environment, and the support they receive. Comfort and co-regulation aren’t “bad habits”, they’re part of how sleep works.
You can support sleep. You can shape routines. But you can’t teach a baby to self-settle on demand. And self-settling isn’t the holy grail of baby sleep anyway. Just because a baby can fall asleep independently doesn’t mean they’ll sleep all night long.
In many parts of the world, sleep training simply isn’t a thing. Babies are supported to sleep in arms, alongside parents, or with regular comfort, and somehow, they still grow into adults who sleep.
That alone tells us something important: sleep doesn’t need to be taught. It needs to be supported.
If this idea already feels like a relief, you might also find comfort in my blog What to Do When You’ve Tried Everything and Your Baby Still Isn’t Sleeping. It explores why doing “more” doesn’t always change sleep – and why easing the pressure can often make the biggest difference.
What If Sleep Comes Naturally?
Think about how we approach other developmental milestones, like walking, talking, or starting solids. We know these unfold over time. We support them, yes. But we don’t train them into place or try to control the outcome. We don’t pressure babies to walk at four months or speak in full sentences before their first birthday.
Yet when it comes to sleep, we often treat it differently. Rather than trusting it as a developmental process, we focus on behaviour - how a baby falls asleep, what they do when they wake, whether they can settle without help. Sleep training, by design, tackles these outward behaviours.
But sleep itself isn’t behavioural. It’s biological.
What’s often labelled a “sleep problem” is really a baby expressing a need for comfort, regulation, or connection. Responding to that isn’t creating a bad habit or making a rod for our back - it’s part of how sleep works in early life.
Independence Grows From Dependence
Just like walking, sleep independence builds gradually over time.
And here’s something important: true independence doesn’t come from being left to figure it out alone - it comes from knowing you’re safe, secure, and supported.
When a baby’s emotional needs are met consistently - when they know someone comes when they cry - they build the confidence and capacity to do more on their own.
This is why a responsive approach works. Because it lays the foundation for trust, security, and ultimately, greater independence.
But Doesn’t Sleep Training Work?
Sleep training can absolutely help some families. If it works for you and aligns with your values - great.
But it’s not the only way.
And for many families, it doesn’t feel right. It feels forced. It feels like a mismatch.
If you’re weighing this up right now, Do I Have to Sleep Train My Baby? walks through the options calmly and honestly, without pushing you in any direction.
The sleep training industry has flourished by feeding into parental anxieties, often implying that your baby will never sleep without their help. And while sleep training might genuinely help some families, it's not the only way, or even necessarily the best way, for every family.
Take this, for example.
A parent recently told me her five-month-old baby only sleeps for a maximum of three hours at a time at night. She was feeling panicked because she’d read online that the “gold standard” is four to five hours, and anything less might mean her baby isn’t getting enough sleep.
But here’s the thing: her baby was happy, thriving, feeding well, and hitting all their developmental milestones.
So I asked her:
If you’d never read that online, would you be worried right now?
She paused, then said, “Honestly… no.”
This is exactly what I mean when I talk about tuning out the noise.
The pressure to meet someone else’s version of “normal” can make us feel like we’re failing, when in reality, our baby is doing just fine.
I’ve written more about this in Is There a Gold Standard for Baby Sleep? - a gentle unpacking of where these expectations come from, and why they so often create anxiety rather than clarity.
So here’s what I want you to know:
Sleep will come.
Not through rigid routines, but through time, development, and the reliable comfort you give.
What Supportive Sleep Really Looks Like
I’ve worked with countless families who felt relief when they realised they didn’t need to force their babies into a sleep routine that wasn’t working.
Instead, they chose a more relaxed, baby-led rhythm.
And do you know what happened?
Sleep improved naturally
Bedtimes became calmer
And connection got stronger, not lost
Because sometimes doing “less” (in the traditional sleep-training sense) is actually doing more.
A Few Things I Want You to Know
You don’t need a script.
You don’t need to feel guilty if your baby still needs help to fall asleep.
You don’t need to turn normal baby behaviour into a problem to solve.
You’re doing what makes sense for your baby and your family right now.
And that’s enough.
Final Thoughts
I’m not here to say the sleep training is wrong (well… maybe just a little!). For some families, who are on their knees with sleep deprivation and their circumstaves are such that they do need a quick fix then sleep training may be the best option for them.
What I’m really saying is this: the messaging around sleep training is often incredibly misleading.
It tells you that it’s your job to teach your baby how to sleep, and then conveniently offers you the “solution” to do it.
But the truth is, your baby doesn’t need to be taught to sleep.
They need support, consistency, and time.
And you don’t need fixing either. You just need space to follow your instincts - not someone selling you the idea that you’re doing it wrong.
I’m here to say there’s another way. A gentler, baby-led, responsive way that centres your baby’s needs, and yours, too.
You don’t have to rush or push or get it all right.
If you’re feeling pressure to “get sleep sorted” - breathe.
Take a step back.
Come back to what feels right in your gut.
And you won’t ever go far wong.
